In china, there is a word spawned by internet, shenpian(divine movie). Nearly 20 years passed since this movie was released, it turns out this title(divine movie) suits this one perfectly.
I met him again. It was in a good way , a happy way.
To tell the truth, the first time when I watched this movie carefully is three mouth ago. On one hand, in 1990, the homosexality was still outlawed and labeled as a kind of mental disease. Because of the bold and vivid depiction of homosexality in this movie, I hardly knew anything about in until 2000. Sometimes, I rather believe the destiny or the trajectory of one's life is predestined, in my second of junior high school, on the morning of April day, I heard the news of Zhang guorong committing suicide in Hongkong. At the beginning I was not as shocked and saddened as some of my female classmates. Due to his increasingly rare appearance on Tv and big screen, his starlight as a icon had a little bit faded away. Also on that morning, I knew he was a gay first time. In china a country with 5000 thousand years history, the tolerance to gay is extremely slim, even though , no religion of china regards it as sin. So, I came to ascribe the tragedy of Zhang to his sexual-orientation.
About two months ago, in an early morning, my mother told me in a calm but warmth:Maybe you can marry that man.
Until sevral month ago I rewatched the concubine, my conception about gay romance is quite narrow and stereotypical. Frankly speaking, with all due respect, it's not very pleasant feeling to picture a man and another man having their lips against each other. Things totally changed after I saw this movie. I think the criticism on homosexual might just comes from our own straight love prejudice. ...............
I was still in my dream.
That man? I knew what she meat and murmured to my mum:
He has got a baby girl last year.
She returned into her silence.
However, yesterday, we met each other again like old friends.
It was quite familiar for us, a mid-school girl and her teacher. The cold beer and golden spicy mutton roasted on a small stove special for BBQ laid out on the table. This was a very traditional and typical Chinese BBQ shop. Maybe it was too early, there was few customers sitting by the table and only the waitress and boss chatting something happy or angry loudly.
I arrived late. Actually,this was the first time i invited him for a dinner. He came earlier than me and had already ordered some food. He told me he loved the mutton here and asked to eat more.
We talked about schools and the classmates who were also his students that we both knew.
Life was fun. He became a director of the Education Bureau and I changed my job to work as a teacher in a private school under his management. Life was really fun. It seemed like that weal ways had a reason to talk to each other and to eat together like this.
Does he know the first time i met him?Maybe not.
No matter what i got enrolled in No.42 Middle School. My uncle and aunt also finished their mid-school life there. I passed the division exam and was classified into Top One class and started my life with all my expectation for the future. Even though i didn’t know how it was going to be in the coming three years, i was sure that i would have a life being rich of dreams and endeavor. My English teacher was a young lady, Miss Yu who graduated from a University in our province. She was pretty but less of the energy and power which exactly what we need eagerly,as we,the new and fresh ones,rushed into a Mid-school with ignorance. Unfortunately , as the difference laid between us , we ,especially me,as the representative of English Class , united with the top students and Monitor wrote a lesson to the Management and told them how we wished to replace her with another teacher. Mr. Zhang,who is in charge of our class,also supported us. Actually , in other words , we were made use by him to perform his instruction. As a result, as we expected , we welcomed our new teacher. That was him who become my teacher when I was in Eight Grade.
Mr. Zhang , a mean man told us before he hoped our young teacher to be replaced HIM, because he was a good English teacher who was full of knowledge and experience and sense of humor. I didn’t know the deep reasons, but i accepted it. I also expected to have some teacher like that after all the words blowing into my empty mind.It also became my own wish.
No matter where I saw him , I started to watch him and stare at him to find out how he communicated with students and the peers around him. I listened to all the teachers extremely carefully especially when they mentioned something about him. Of course, students around me all talked about him. I tried to ask about his life from my classmate who had some sisters brothers or even neighbors attending his English class.
Sometimes,even when he passed by me ,for example i was going uptaires and he was just getting down,i would like to take it as a saint moment and looked at his face then his neck and his back.
I also felt envy when his girl friend walked with him and especially when she sat back on his bike.
I still remember the bright sunshine and the game we were playing to chase each other. It was a very small cross. My friend and classmate, Jone, called me to see them. She rode her bike with him sitting on her bike. He wearied a hat and coat. They passed by me together and I again, felt the freezing of time,the silence of wind and sunshine . That was him with her. There were some words rushing into my head. They were together.
There were sometimes when i saw him walking on the street in front of my house. He saw me.
I still remembered his eyes looking at me. For more times, he walked together with her.
I remembered the winter of Grade eight, he wore a weird hat and some of the boys said he looked handsome and he replied that it was just a hat for old manlike him and went out of the school building with his girl.
She was beautiful with a look full of elegency. I could tell that they understood each other. I even could feel the tenderness when they looked at each other. I also like her short curly brown hair and beautiful milk face. But I felt the distance between her and me,I did not even want to talk to her from my deep heart.
During the time of Grade 8,hehad been part of my life as my English teacher.
Iwashis representative and hadso many chances to talk to him.
I enjoyed every minute we were togetherjust as a student and teacher.
However, after i finished my mid-school life, I lost the connection with him for the whole three years. During my High-school years, i met a new boy i loved and sometimes was hurt by him. Then the end comes to me and him and also my high-school life.
It was a cloudy day,and Ifound a part-time job to give someEnglishlessons to a boy.
That was the morning i met him again.
I got into the communityas usualand saw a man with my split vision. At that moment,Ifeltthe same freezing air which i was familiar with before. It was him. I returned back and called out his name.
He looked at mein cold excitement. I was surprised at the occasion. I knew he has already 33 years oldand he must be devoiced and where he worked in now.
We talked about my high-school life andmy bad luck.He invited me to his house in this community. I don’t know why i didn’t plan to be there.I still remember i passed his house and went away.After this, we lost connection again.
I went to spent fourson nothing.
It was a special evening in my senior year. The chattering group ofmid-school classmateswas quite unbelievablyboisterous. I also could see what the teacher and students were talking about. I did not remember what i was writing , and i did not joint them. However, it was the moment i saw there was someone who wanted to add me as a friend from that group. I thought it was one of my classmates and agreed immediately.
I asked his name. He showed me and asked:
Do you still remember me?
I was surprised, shocked and definately excited. I almost cried out to tell my roommates the big news. They took it so cool and said i must be crazy.
From then one, we never lost the connection, even sometimes we didn’t talk with each other for long time.
He asked me what i was doing and how my school life was. We chatted like old friends. I felt sorry for the bad perofrmance i had done in my college life and lied to him.
After the last month i stayed at school, i started my trip to work as an assistant in a company in Suzhou. It was a disaster and i changed my trip, or job exactly, to Zimbabwe. I told him my play and he seriously told me not to be there. We talked on the phone for hours and hours. He told me what was better choice.However, how could a wild horse was jailed in a place without prairie! After that, I did not call him or qq him for a long time.
There once was a time when I was back to China and wondering where to go. We had not seen each other for so many years since the last time i met him in that community. He invited me to have a dinner in a fish resturant where he persuaded me to stay at home and find some job then get married. I was really crazy about the life being abroad and I knew the things i had to do. I did not take his words seriously.
I was like a wild horse and tried my best to look for my life. Maybe it was about money or just trip to be out of my bit life, a life he wasn’t in.
Life was still hard and i was quite disappointed about myself for the neat years. I returned to China and dawdled in Nanjing and Beijing for months with my friends working there. I spent a lot of time and money on the TRIP. Then, I knew i had to go back.
It was in October. I lied to him that i was just back to China from Zambia and found a job in a private school. Actually i was back from Beijing hopelessly and despairly. He was quite happy for my choice and told me I was right this time.
We talked about life and how to teach for quite a long time on qq. And he also told me that he was married with that girl friend about one year ago. Now he was a babygirl’s father and the husband of that elegant lady.
Finally , after almost 10 years life journey, he chosed to marry her and i felt a little sad, just a little.
It seemed like the days my father passed away. I felt nothing and also just a little sad. After a long time, I was like a dreamer waken from the daydream and cried out like baby in despairation.
I knew i would be sad in the coming days.
We did not decide to meet again. It was the end of August, and he said he was improved to work in the Education Bureau of this District and naturally our school was under his management.
We have more reasons to find each other on qq or other way.
It was the day before yesterday, we decided to meet again.He found the place he loved and enjoyed the food he loved and talked all the things we liked naturally. However, we did not mention his wife and kid. I truly forgot it. It was more like a date than a gathering between a teacher and a student or friends.
We laughed and laughed but still wondered how he defined the relationship between us.
I have to admite if i still have the chance, i really want to marry him. But he is a man with responsibility for his wife and kid, i should be wise to treat all the issues like a movie or novel. I tell myself that i am a director and writer to colour my own life in a blind way.
Forget him and start a new life.